Til' Kingdom Come

Wow. You know how there are those songs that you can just listen to and they cause you to wonder, to dream, to just... be... inside yourself...?

"i don't know which way i'm goin, i don't know which way i've come"

(yes Jesse, it was through OK Laptop that I found that song)

listening to Til' Kingdom Come by Coldplay takes me to a place that I haven't been in a while; to get to this place requires a highly articulate piece - a great book, a picture of a smiling child playing in the monsoon rains... a good song. you've made the cut 'Til Kingdom Come!'

it's weird. listening to the strum of the six string guitar in standard tuning E, causes memories from my trip to Cambodia to flood back to the front of my mind, flicking across as if I were internally watching a slideshow of the snapshots that my eyes took throughout my time there.

perhaps it's the chord progression.
perhaps it's the upbeat tempo yet mellow feel.
perhaps it's the softly perfect strum.

i see the muddy roads, the humble abodes, the skinny cows, the anorexic chickens, the tiny people, the beautiful dark-skinned people with smiling faces yet deep lost eyes, "still my heart and hold my tongue"... i see the extravagantly large houses in Phnom Penh, on their golden gates the faces of the King and Queen, i see the extravagantly small houses in Siem Reap, on the wire gate a small stuffed crow of a man, the people, the people, i see them all.

i feel the thick heat hit my face, i feel the sweat layering itself, i feel the small frame of a fourteen year old boy in my embrace, i'm sure i'll break him if i hug any harder. i feel the deep sorrow i felt whilst there, for the cripple, for the lame, for the children begging for their next meal, for their next tomorrow, for a friend. i feel indifferent, i don't know what i feel.

i smell the pollution from the room of my hotel.
i hear the yearning from the window of my tour boat.
i taste the waste in the air as we drive past an open sewer.

i imagine myself back there. i imagine myself helping the helpless.
i need to. if i don't, then who am i? and why am i?
if my life isn't to better others', then why is it at all?

"just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

when i came back, i wanted to just get straight into it. i wanted to pack my bags and go and save the country from it's poverty, from it's disaster, from it's indirection. seriously. i wanted to go straight to the government and tell them they weren't to be corrupt any longer. i wanted to go to each brothel and order the owners to free the women living in prostitution. i wanted to pull every perverse customer off of each frail, young, drug-addicted girl in the small rooms. i wanted to feed every hungry child, every hungry mother, father. i wanted to be a friend to every lonely person, to every friendless and joyless person, i wanted to be love. i wanted to clean every dirty person, every dirty road. i wanted to save the whole of Cambodia, the whole of Asia, the whole of Earth.*

i pretty much wanted to do God's job.

i dunno though, i reckon that we Christians use that as an excuse sometimes. we limit what positive change we can make by saying "woe is me, i can only do what I can do."

this type of thinking isn't to be confused with being humble and accepting boundaries. this type of thinking is small, and i despise it. i don't think God likes it either. He wants us to use the full potential He's given us right? Right?? Right.

i despise it and don't ever want it.
if God gives me a dream, I trust Him to work it out in my life. as humanly impossible it may seem to other people and even to myself.

so, back to Cambodia.
i really did love it there.
i really do love it there.
i really do love it.
i really do want to go back.
please let me.

i wonder if it's God's will. Hmm.


*it really is a whole nother post but what I have been struggling to learn since then is the fact that University is important. i, being me, don't really like the fact that to be recognized in any significant way (unless you're reeeeally awesome), you really would be better off having a qualification. this makes me kdsjfgdfsjgdkfjgdsjfdgf. but apparently i'll be more effective with one. but i want to back now!!! that's my human thinking. but still. but no. shut up adellz.

im afraid of childbirth.

how does one begin a blog? well first of all i must tell you, i do like the way that sentences look without the capitals at the beginning, so forgive me if grammar is your fetish but this is my blog :)

it is June & i have not yet written a blog. well let me tell you why not. it has simply not been one of my priorities. hmphh. i have had many other things to deal with. things i wish to share with you but be warned... these things aren't necessarily nice heart warming 'things'.

they, are real-life things.

term one. ready, nervous & pumped for my last year of school... year 13, NCEA Level 3, & headGirl. my future was only a corner away. my choice of subjects for the year? English, Calculus, Physics, Bio and Chem... the Asian five so i've been told. i've also been told that the term Asian five is subtly racist so i'm not too comfortable using it... i'd rather list them than be associated with racism. although, by acknowledging it i guess i've kind of cancelled out my whole anti-racist stand... you know like in a fraction when there is a common factor between the denominator & the numerator... yeah Okay, i'll stop.

if somebody had told me 2010 was going to pan out to what it had been, i would have prepared myself way more than i had... or at least i'd like to think that i would have.

it did not take me long to realise that the title "HeadGirl" was only that; a title. it didn't merit respect, or authority. in the students eyes, i had to prove myself. would you believe that the year level that was the hardest to work with were the year13's? my year. they saw us as friends, and fair enough, but it made life harder than it had to be. sigh. soon enough, prefects grew sick and tired of the anti-prefect remarks and jokes. some were so un-jokelike i could swear they were just nasty stabs in the LIGHT, looking for a reaction... anything. oh how they loved getting reactions. immaturity is a common trait throughout teenagers... or is it just my school? who knows. sigh that these people will become the future of our country... yay that they will hopefully have grown out of their kid-like behaviours before then. sigh that i am a human myself & am capable of these things also.

does anybody else have people for whom they cannot help caring about? people who, no matter how disconnected they become from them, you will always wonder about? i do. i did. i do? has anybody ever found that someone you care about is suicidal? has anybody ever found out that someone who you see often, behind their mask, has a really crappy life? i have. i've found that. it made me wonder and rethink my focus my life... am i looking in the right places? people can do well to talk about changing the world, but have they started with themselves? have i started with myself? i have started with myself. my friend was suicidal. it made me sad to a point i had never been to before. i cared not about molecules anymore, rather that all this turmoil was going on inside my friend and i had taken no notice. why hadn't i taken any notice? why don't we take any notice? humans. hmph.

& so my schoolwork suffered.

thankGod for the holidays. i had time to get myself together & remember... i had responsibilities to my school and to myself.

term two. i have a friend. the most beautiful of friends. she is one of the most full of life people i have ever met. have you had a friend like that? i have. and her name is Akua. an African Beauty from Ghana. a Christian. a Science student. a model, a role model, a friend, a best friend, a freakin' comedy show all in one. she had cancer. and she died. at the age of sixteen she died. our darling girl died. this made me sad. and it made me mad. but more sad than anything. and it made me busy. if the headgirl isn't to organise the memorial, then who is? luckily i wasnt the only one who was her friend... i actually think of all her friends i was the last to become hers. those six know who they are, and us seven knew who she was.

& whilst i grieved my friend

my schoolwork suffered.

sigh.

& holidays were eleven weeks away.

i have two assignments due in three weeks, both of which - i'll tell you the truth - i haven't given two thoughts to. plus planning for the ball which is in three weeks. plus my own ball planning such as dress, shoes, transport. plus fundraising to do for my cambodia humanitarian aid project. plus life. plus me. plus you.

where's the silver lining you say?

i get free education.

i get to experience the ball.

i get to feel pretty.

i get to experience cambodia.

i get to know myself.

& i get to write to you.

so, that is my year so far... hope you've enjoyed.

life is a journey, a long and sometimes twisty road.

but God is always good you know.

ApplesForKnowledge.