im afraid of childbirth.

how does one begin a blog? well first of all i must tell you, i do like the way that sentences look without the capitals at the beginning, so forgive me if grammar is your fetish but this is my blog :)

it is June & i have not yet written a blog. well let me tell you why not. it has simply not been one of my priorities. hmphh. i have had many other things to deal with. things i wish to share with you but be warned... these things aren't necessarily nice heart warming 'things'.

they, are real-life things.

term one. ready, nervous & pumped for my last year of school... year 13, NCEA Level 3, & headGirl. my future was only a corner away. my choice of subjects for the year? English, Calculus, Physics, Bio and Chem... the Asian five so i've been told. i've also been told that the term Asian five is subtly racist so i'm not too comfortable using it... i'd rather list them than be associated with racism. although, by acknowledging it i guess i've kind of cancelled out my whole anti-racist stand... you know like in a fraction when there is a common factor between the denominator & the numerator... yeah Okay, i'll stop.

if somebody had told me 2010 was going to pan out to what it had been, i would have prepared myself way more than i had... or at least i'd like to think that i would have.

it did not take me long to realise that the title "HeadGirl" was only that; a title. it didn't merit respect, or authority. in the students eyes, i had to prove myself. would you believe that the year level that was the hardest to work with were the year13's? my year. they saw us as friends, and fair enough, but it made life harder than it had to be. sigh. soon enough, prefects grew sick and tired of the anti-prefect remarks and jokes. some were so un-jokelike i could swear they were just nasty stabs in the LIGHT, looking for a reaction... anything. oh how they loved getting reactions. immaturity is a common trait throughout teenagers... or is it just my school? who knows. sigh that these people will become the future of our country... yay that they will hopefully have grown out of their kid-like behaviours before then. sigh that i am a human myself & am capable of these things also.

does anybody else have people for whom they cannot help caring about? people who, no matter how disconnected they become from them, you will always wonder about? i do. i did. i do? has anybody ever found that someone you care about is suicidal? has anybody ever found out that someone who you see often, behind their mask, has a really crappy life? i have. i've found that. it made me wonder and rethink my focus my life... am i looking in the right places? people can do well to talk about changing the world, but have they started with themselves? have i started with myself? i have started with myself. my friend was suicidal. it made me sad to a point i had never been to before. i cared not about molecules anymore, rather that all this turmoil was going on inside my friend and i had taken no notice. why hadn't i taken any notice? why don't we take any notice? humans. hmph.

& so my schoolwork suffered.

thankGod for the holidays. i had time to get myself together & remember... i had responsibilities to my school and to myself.

term two. i have a friend. the most beautiful of friends. she is one of the most full of life people i have ever met. have you had a friend like that? i have. and her name is Akua. an African Beauty from Ghana. a Christian. a Science student. a model, a role model, a friend, a best friend, a freakin' comedy show all in one. she had cancer. and she died. at the age of sixteen she died. our darling girl died. this made me sad. and it made me mad. but more sad than anything. and it made me busy. if the headgirl isn't to organise the memorial, then who is? luckily i wasnt the only one who was her friend... i actually think of all her friends i was the last to become hers. those six know who they are, and us seven knew who she was.

& whilst i grieved my friend

my schoolwork suffered.

sigh.

& holidays were eleven weeks away.

i have two assignments due in three weeks, both of which - i'll tell you the truth - i haven't given two thoughts to. plus planning for the ball which is in three weeks. plus my own ball planning such as dress, shoes, transport. plus fundraising to do for my cambodia humanitarian aid project. plus life. plus me. plus you.

where's the silver lining you say?

i get free education.

i get to experience the ball.

i get to feel pretty.

i get to experience cambodia.

i get to know myself.

& i get to write to you.

so, that is my year so far... hope you've enjoyed.

life is a journey, a long and sometimes twisty road.

but God is always good you know.

ApplesForKnowledge.